I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
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“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
i meant to share this earlier
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.