I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
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I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Name this drama.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.