A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
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How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Hell yeah 👍
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.