If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
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Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
looks legit
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys