going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
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Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.