*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
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I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.