Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
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How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.