I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
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me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
This is a sub tweet
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
$3 #books
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.