Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
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[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
this is funnier than any friends episode
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”