No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
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[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.