I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
You Might Also Like
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
LMAO
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented