“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
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Good point.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
This kid is a star!
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
watergate? u mean a dam??
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”