I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
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“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.