I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
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drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
I self medicate, therefore you live.