Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
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boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
my name if I was in the mob
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Never forget.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays