I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
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assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.