When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
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*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Why I divorced her.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
the #horror is real!
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks