My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
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PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
whenever i wake up before my alarm
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
This could be us but you eatin’
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do