[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
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Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.