A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
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Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn鈥檛 because I鈥檓 coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn鈥檛 say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
We need a streaming service that鈥檚 only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it鈥檚 dead.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don鈥檛 want to pay rent tomorrow
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
馃槅
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 馃槓
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend鈥檚 house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Being single is starting wear on me. I鈥檝e stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I鈥檓 sleeping next to a man.
Date: I鈥檓 really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!