Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
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[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Dietest Coke
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.