[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
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I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
m’lady
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?