I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
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Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Hit me in the face with a bird
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*