[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
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Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL