[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
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Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event