Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
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*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
*checks Timeline*…
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
We are the people our parents warned us about.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.