CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
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Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
this chia pet tastes awful
What an awful time to have common sense.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.