Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
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*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger