Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
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Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this