I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
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Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
blocked.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
The answer is funnier than the question
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.