Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
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King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
I came this close!!!!
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.