*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
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Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
New favorite tiktok
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.