How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
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I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
is this how new cars are made??
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.