I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
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Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Maths meets science
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.