our love story in four pictures
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CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I am, perchance
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
starting a garage orchestra
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.