Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
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highly recommended, many stars
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
#oldknees
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?