Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
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My retirement plan is to become a cat.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan