My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
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My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.