I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
You Might Also Like
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.