I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
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Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”