4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
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There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
channeling her this year
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
fourth time’s the charm
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you