The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
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Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.