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idk flipping houses looks really hard
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?