Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
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My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Any refunds available?…
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.