asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
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Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me