I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
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“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I had to Stop for this
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.