I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
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Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
True
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Mad Max Arctic Road