Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
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Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
⛄️
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?