Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
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Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
this makes me so uncomfortable
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Legend 🤣🤣
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.