Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
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Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
starting a garage orchestra
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.